A couple of weeks ago I found myself wallowing in unfulfilled dreams, disappointment in friendships, and family stress. I let every negative thought consume me. I did not take a single thought captive. I let the circumstances I was in dictate my feelings. I let my brain go to the dark places of “this is always, and every single.” I attached permanent words to temporary moments. That is not healthy.
On Sunday my pastor, Craig Groeshel started a series called “Anxious for Nothing.” https://www.life.church/media/anxious-for-nothing/when-youve-had-enough/ He explained that when you’ve had enough. You run yourself into the ground. You shut people out. You focus on the negative. You forget God. I had done all of the above.
I was overly exhausted helping take care of my ailing grandmother that is suffering from alzheimer’s. I made no real effort to reach out to friends and explain how hard it has been on our family. A year ago I pitched my book to a publisher, the meeting went great. But, I’ve not heard anything tangible since. I dream big and get disappointed proportionately. It’s hard for me to logic myself out of that negative thought process. Work plus faith should equal dreams coming true. But, that’s not always how God works. I think I’m remembering God, but I speak lies to myself about what He will really do for me. What He’s already done and what He is doing.
I began to pray that Jesus would create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit in me. (Psalms 51:10) I could not go on giving life to things that only bring death and decay.
So, Jesus, being the gracious Savior and Friend that He is, answered my prayer. He told me to take control of what I could control. That He would take care of the rest. Freeing me from the strain I was feeling. Filling me with the faith, peace and strength that only comes from a loving father.
What are the things I can control? Well for one, Marie Kondo-ing the heck out of my room and closet. I literally had clothes from kindergarten. I’m almost 23. I got rid of unfinished diy projects. 2 year old calendars that never got filled in. You get the idea. I can control the food I put in my body. Goodbye carbs, you’ll be missed, but you also made me feel like a pregnant hippo. I can control what I put out into the world. What I write, what I say.
God knows what He’s doing with my dreams. He’s working in the unseen and He may not fulfill my dreams on my timeline, but He will fulfill them at the right time. Jesus knows I’m lonely a lot even though I’m an introvert. I already see Him starting to put people in my life to give me the sense of community I’m longing for. Our family recently set a few respite days in the fall. We are going to see some Broadway shows (my absolute fave) and dear ole, Mamaw will be staying with our amazing cousin. It’s daunting and liberating to know there is absolutely nothing we can do to make things just right. God is doing it. He is good and does good. Free-falling, but knowing who’s there to catch us makes all the difference.